Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Re-Start

I Discovered. It's such a powerful phrase. The pride of having achieved something I never thought I would have (not to prove my win over someone, but just because i wanted to).. the burst of excitement of that little child within who wants to yell on top of the mountains about her lovely find.. the disbelief that this could happen after all... the relief of having reached that penultimate point. All of it bundled in two words... I Discovered.

It suddenly became important to document all of it... My discoveries. And then there were these ideas that never would stop flowing. My poor mind could no longer hold on to all of it.  Though there was my old blog to write in, it was as if i wanted to start all over again. But the feeling that time was not enough got the better of me. Until now. Not that i suddenly have a lot of time to kill. It is just that i dont want to regret not having done this.... Of writing about all of it. Better late than never! At this point, let me admit that this change in me came primarily with the coming of my daughter, two years ago. My life obviously changed forever as she came into our lives. Motherhood is like a bumper injection of maturity and patience, to say the least. But not only has my role as a human being changed, I too have changed as a person... for the better. 

My discoveries are, sorry to say, pretty run of the mill, ordinary ones. Nothing that one has not yet seen or heard or experienced. They are more on the lines of being rediscoveries. As my child grows up, a lil bit, day by day, i too am growing up.. as a mother, and as a sentient being who had forgotten about the intricacies of life. And i realise that as an adult, lil things dint matter. Lil things were overloooked. Lil things were ordinary and dint evoke any sense of joy or happiness. Over the years they became so forgotten that one fine day, i realised that my life was only full of huge huge things. Want a list? Huge lists, hugs bills, huge loans, huge chores. huge queues, huge traffic, huge buildings, huge potholes, huge corruption scandals. And the things that were now lil or less were things that i needed more.. like less time, less money, less tolerance, less beauty, less parks. I know there can be other ways of looking at this. Now, as i grow up all over again, i am re-experiencing the joys of all those lil things. And suddenly, my life is simpler, i worry less and i have solutions to everything. Okay, take that with a pinch of salt. There still are problems that hound me. There are days when i feel i am no good for man or beast. But what has changed is my way of tackling my problems. I now try to see the world from my daughters point of view. And that makes everything seem so trivial. You see, for a child, everything is simple. The elephant is huge and the ant is tiny. But both can be drawn on the slate. And on the slate, the ant can be bigger than the elephant. What the hell is so complicated about that? :) Got my point? 

I Discovered. Everyday of my life is full of little moments of joy that i usually overlooked. And i decided i write them down so i never forget them again. The crows that sit on the railings of my balcony have really shiny beaks and very long nails on their claws. The clouds in the sky run around like crazy with the winds. There are yellow, white, purple, pink and red flowers in the garden below my building. Little things that dint matter, matter now. Of course i knew all of this before. But i couldn't exclaim and clap and be overjoyed on seeing them. Not if i dint want to be tagged as a crazy woman. Imagine someone clapping and jumping with joy at the sight of a pigeon flapping its feathers to take off. I can do all of this with my lil one, without being looked at as a madwoman. Hehe.. One has to see the light in her eyes when she spots the moon in the sky. "Moon, Chandamama, Ambilmamman.", she would exclaim in all possible languages she knows. I echo her joy, reach out to her and hug her. And when she sees that her happiness is my happiness. She doesn't stop smiling for a long time. Small thing, isn't it?

So this one and the ones that will follow is for her. My lil child, Sharanya. Because it is she who inspired me to think again.. to write again. And taught me to discover life again. So here they are... My lil discoveries.

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