God and other Topical Concerns

Courtesy: http://www.ikedaquotes.org/


I have stopped believing in religious/cultural traditions. Well, the thought in itself is not very jarring as much as a fact that it is coming from a person who was her pious-most a couple of years back. I do not know the exact moment when my thoughts and beliefs clashed with each other and i chose the path of rationality. It was certainly an very sub-conscious decision. Or perhaps it was a gradual transition. So one may ask, do I believe in God? And the answer would be Yes, I do.

But God, for me, is not Krishna/Shiva/Allah/Christ/Saibaba. It is just a force. An invisible hand that leads me to my destination. That holds my hand when i am in doubt. That forgives me no matter how wrong I am. That helps me tell the wrongs from the rights. That makes me a better Human. I am no more under any compulsion to give that force a form or a face. I want to believe in that force, irrespective of its gender, its power.. only conscious of its presence, its relevance in my life.

I do not know whether this is right for many. But i can feel that i am convinced about its truthfulness. Going back to the facts that led me to this situation... as i mentioned, I cannot pin point one. Maybe it is when i see how people blindly follow a tradition without attaching a meaning to the reasons behind it or its consequences. Or perhaps it is the way people kill/brutalize/loathe each other in the name of religion/Gods. Or maybe it is just the realization of the way my life has become like a hamster wheel... more about the chores to be finished and less about feeling accomplished/content. Or maybe it is about how the concept of God and Godmen has been so commercialized that it has lost the charishma.. the want of belonging to it.. the want to be unquestioningly following it. So many so many reasons. Or should i attribute it to the inevitable and quite evident mixing of cultures that triggers a want to question something before doing it. I dont know....

But i still believe that this Universal Force sees it all. It is sentient like us.. just more forgiving, more loving, more giving, more encouraging.

As a child, and while growing up, i followed many a customs/traditions without asking my Mom why it was done in the first place. Being an Hindu entails performing poojas/rituals/participating in festivals/social gatherings, etc. And i have happily followed most of them as a youngster. My mom herself was not an extremely pious woman, in that some of these feelings may be genetic, so to say. She never used to light diyas every evening or teach us many slokas/mantras/ tell us loads of mythological stories or anything. I was an avid reader and learnt about many stories on my own.

To be able to think about and talk to God about my problems (which i feel were much less earlier) was quite relieving. To be able to tell myself that Krishna would protect me and that Devi would give me strength made me more confident. And the fact that these Gods had forms that i could relate to made them comfortable to talk to and to be confided in.

Then along came this awesome book (which is now quite ubiquitous too) called The Secret. It introduced the power of Universal Providence into my life. And it actually worked wonders for me! I dont know whether i sound too naive when i say this, but now i have what they call an undivided and absolute faith in the theory of how the latter gives you back what you give it. In due passage of time, i was exposed to the concept of duality - that there are good and bad in every form. Even Gods made mistakes. Even Asuras have their own side/version of stories where they were the right ones and Gods their rivals.

The fundamental paradigms shifted.. and cultural shocks ensued. Characters in mythologies suddenly started seeming false and make believe. Gods were now just extremely powerful human beings.. some of whom could manipulate due to their influence and charishma. Asuras were only people at the wrong place at the wrong time (pretty akin to a youth being transformed into a terrorist.. who would you blame? - the society? the organisation/outift? the terrorist himself?). Stories/legends now looked pretty dreamy and man-made. Then grew hatred towards the 'fear' that was created around not performing a ritual or praying daily to God. And i slowly started disbelieving and then one day just stopped believing.

Above is just half of my problems. As a child, the aforementioned cultural traditions gave meaning to my childhood. The stories built me a land of fantasies and magic. The temple visits, the get togethers, the dance practices and bhajana groups, the songs i learnt and sang and were appreciated... my childhood was built around all this. Even now, some of my best memories are built around all this. It just becomes more confusing when i realise i wont be able to practise all that with my child with the same conviction that i possessed then. How then would my child be able to relate to my childhood? Would her childhood be bland and blase with TV and electronic gadgets that have nothing remotely worthy of being cherished later on? How do i ask her to pray in front of a particular God when i myself am no more comfortable doing it? How am i supposed to explain a tradition/custom to her when i have doubts about its origin and reasons?

While i am usually confronted by such nagging thoughts, i find a window of hope when i ask her to thank God for everything she has. Perhaps that's the way around it. And then a few mantras to keep her in the faith of someone out there protecting her. It is my duty to give her the freedom to choose what she would be comfortable doing. I would surely not make her do things just because everyone else is doing it. What is the use of being a staunch believer of a God if you are not a good human being.. if you cannot understand someone else's pain. What is the use of performing all these rituals if you dont feel gratituous of being alive and being there with your family.

For me, the fact that I am alive and healthy to be able to think about all this itself is overwhelming. Life and time does not wait for anything, Anything can happen to anybody and then you'd be caught unaware. I just want to be a good human being. Not a staunch God believer. Id rather believe in the Supreme force which would give you back all the good that you give others. Id rather be a person who is kind and giving and empathetic, than be someone who would chant mantras and back bite someone.

I am still learning and trying to find out who i am and why i am here. I am trying to fathom where i started and where i am going now. I am still learning. And i hope the God or the Force, as i see it now, shows me the way... gives me strength to keep going and never give up. And is patient with me when i go wrong somewhere... I am still learning.

The haven't yet found the answers to my questions. But i am assuming they will come to me sooner or later. Till then...

How to overcome a habit...

Sharanya usually doesn't like people disappearing into bathrooms. For her, this absence means total lack of contact and since she can't see what's happening, she is uncertain and thus scared whether we would come out of it soon or what. Though she doesn't mind or question the purpose of the visit, she surely does abhor the thought of being left 'alone' (even if that means just a couple of minutes). Our usual way to overcome this is leaving the scene quietly and getting the work done. I mean, obviously, we cant come up with anything more creative (or lets say defensive) in such 'delicate' circumstances. But that comes with caveats. One of them being deafening screams and the baby standing right outside the bathroom's door as we hurry with our ahem.. work (which, unfortunately, seems quite outside the realms of being voluntary when under pressure to perform faster). I know, it's tricky. But I must admit that I have seen this in quite a few toddlers - the anxiety when their parent goes into the bathroom. Quite inexplicable i must say. However, there's no other way around it. Some day, they would have to learn that going in is followed by coming out and that they are not actually being left out from whatever 'fun' we are thought of being having there (no puns intended ;)). Apparently, my lil one has learnt of other ways of coping with this....

This happened when she was at my in laws' place, and my mom in law sneaked out to visit the loo lest she created a ruckus. But then, she did realise the 'lack of presence' (if i can call it so) and started howling at the top of her voice. My father in law was left helpless as she simply wouldn't calm down. So he took her into the kitchen and gave her a lil bit of sugar to eat. To his relief, the situation at hand was immediately put under control. The next day, when Sharanya discovered that her Grandma was in to the loo, she went to her Granddad and asked, "Achhacha, where is Achhamma?" "In the bathroom..." he replied and braced himself for the repercussions. Sharanya blinked and said, "Achhachha, i want sugar." 

There... matter resolved. :)

I Discovered. Bribing doesn't always lead to corruption. ;)

The Re-Start

I Discovered. It's such a powerful phrase. The pride of having achieved something I never thought I would have (not to prove my win over someone, but just because i wanted to).. the burst of excitement of that little child within who wants to yell on top of the mountains about her lovely find.. the disbelief that this could happen after all... the relief of having reached that penultimate point. All of it bundled in two words... I Discovered.

It suddenly became important to document all of it... My discoveries. And then there were these ideas that never would stop flowing. My poor mind could no longer hold on to all of it.  Though there was my old blog to write in, it was as if i wanted to start all over again. But the feeling that time was not enough got the better of me. Until now. Not that i suddenly have a lot of time to kill. It is just that i dont want to regret not having done this.... Of writing about all of it. Better late than never! At this point, let me admit that this change in me came primarily with the coming of my daughter, two years ago. My life obviously changed forever as she came into our lives. Motherhood is like a bumper injection of maturity and patience, to say the least. But not only has my role as a human being changed, I too have changed as a person... for the better. 

My discoveries are, sorry to say, pretty run of the mill, ordinary ones. Nothing that one has not yet seen or heard or experienced. They are more on the lines of being rediscoveries. As my child grows up, a lil bit, day by day, i too am growing up.. as a mother, and as a sentient being who had forgotten about the intricacies of life. And i realise that as an adult, lil things dint matter. Lil things were overloooked. Lil things were ordinary and dint evoke any sense of joy or happiness. Over the years they became so forgotten that one fine day, i realised that my life was only full of huge huge things. Want a list? Huge lists, hugs bills, huge loans, huge chores. huge queues, huge traffic, huge buildings, huge potholes, huge corruption scandals. And the things that were now lil or less were things that i needed more.. like less time, less money, less tolerance, less beauty, less parks. I know there can be other ways of looking at this. Now, as i grow up all over again, i am re-experiencing the joys of all those lil things. And suddenly, my life is simpler, i worry less and i have solutions to everything. Okay, take that with a pinch of salt. There still are problems that hound me. There are days when i feel i am no good for man or beast. But what has changed is my way of tackling my problems. I now try to see the world from my daughters point of view. And that makes everything seem so trivial. You see, for a child, everything is simple. The elephant is huge and the ant is tiny. But both can be drawn on the slate. And on the slate, the ant can be bigger than the elephant. What the hell is so complicated about that? :) Got my point? 

I Discovered. Everyday of my life is full of little moments of joy that i usually overlooked. And i decided i write them down so i never forget them again. The crows that sit on the railings of my balcony have really shiny beaks and very long nails on their claws. The clouds in the sky run around like crazy with the winds. There are yellow, white, purple, pink and red flowers in the garden below my building. Little things that dint matter, matter now. Of course i knew all of this before. But i couldn't exclaim and clap and be overjoyed on seeing them. Not if i dint want to be tagged as a crazy woman. Imagine someone clapping and jumping with joy at the sight of a pigeon flapping its feathers to take off. I can do all of this with my lil one, without being looked at as a madwoman. Hehe.. One has to see the light in her eyes when she spots the moon in the sky. "Moon, Chandamama, Ambilmamman.", she would exclaim in all possible languages she knows. I echo her joy, reach out to her and hug her. And when she sees that her happiness is my happiness. She doesn't stop smiling for a long time. Small thing, isn't it?

So this one and the ones that will follow is for her. My lil child, Sharanya. Because it is she who inspired me to think again.. to write again. And taught me to discover life again. So here they are... My lil discoveries.