Thursday, January 22, 2015

Get the drift? - Part II

When i had the time and opportunity to have fallen in love, i dint have the guts to do it. Now, after being married and having borne a child, i am a gutsy woman. But neither is this the time, nor is there any opportunity to fall in love with the opposite sex (yes, i maintain my 'straightforwardness')! Not that i want to cheat on my precious hubby. Thats not the kind of gutsy im talking about, you see...
Its like having missed going to Disneyland! You can still go when you are sixty! But its never like the fun you would have had when you were six or sixteen!

Get the drift?

By the way, i havent gone to Disney land too.

Shucks. That's my cue.

The End.

Pic Courtsey: http://lowres.cartoonstock.com

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Wired wrongly

I'm eccentric. No, i mean it comes to me very naturally. I think of people i haven't met for along time and make up imaginary conversations in my mind, envisaging what it would be like to have bumped into them all of a sudden. I fall in love with people without knowing, buy them things for the sake of nothing and then at times stop and tell myself that may have been too silly.

That takes me to another issue. I think i have forgotten how to make friends. I mean close friends. Remember when we could sit with someone, chat with her and then realise that we were made for each other and would go back to one another for everything. Well, even if that could be a short stayed relationship and we may realise that we arent actually pieces of the same jig saw puzzle, at least the initial part of socializing came naturally. Now, i have to painfully make it up. Sigh!

There was a time when I did not know anything about myself and was really happy. (well not necessarily happy that i was clueless about it, am pointing towards the blissfulness of now knowing about the not knowing). Years later, I am still trying to understand myself and now since i know about the not knowing, im not happy. Get the point?

Guess it's time to go for a shrink. My poor new blog has become a garbage bin of sorts. :)

Pic Courtesy: http://beautifuldecay.com


Friday, December 5, 2014

If you care to choose..

God knows in how much dilemma i am right now.

On one side i can be this brilliant student and a scholar in an institute of repute.. and on the other i have to be a mother, and a daughter without having to compromise on the quality of the relationship. Managing a house is not a joke. Mom used to mention that, but now I know.

I cry.. at times silently at times boohooing at the top pf my voice so i can tell myself it's alright to be upset. But unless i pull on, ill be dead. So iv decided, im going try. Its really scary.. and i feel really lonely and horrified at the thought of having to manage everything. God knows, i can do with a big box of tissues as i type this. But i know i want to do this. And so badly!

While life does give everyone a chance, i dont want to give up without having put up a fight.. But im already so tired.. so scared.. so will i be able to do this? I do close my eyes and try to envisage that i can.. but its too faint to be a picture that i can keep to remind me again later. But it would be a shame if i do not.

Its better when there is only one thing to do.. and you have to do it.. theres no choice you see.. Its when you have a choice that you get so bloody confused!

If only i could see it.. If only there were a way ahead on the path that i choose! Fingers crossed.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

The Minute Blog


When does a friendship die?

Pretty much like life, friendship too dies a slow, painful death at times (assuming there is no major upheavals causing the same, which by the way can also be a reason for its downfall). It is painful for the people who have to go through it. Like a human strapped to bed with multiple tubes inserted into him/her, the heart and lungs on the job through machines, friendship too may give away to the hug of death. Its breathing which gradually wanes is at times almost audible. True, no one can ignore that, even by choice. And then, when death comes tip toeing, and gobbles up the last breath, stopping it midway, the last and the only is done. Nothing follows. People go on with their lives - in office, being health freaks.. jogging, running, moving to another city, getting married, having kids, quitting a painful job or maybe getting a new one, With close to a million things that can be done than keeping a friendship alive, it doesn't come as a surprise why some would choose to give the latter a convenient miss. It would have been so easy if we could tell exactly when a friendship dies. But we cant. I cant. Not even at the very moment its breath gets stalled midway. It's too hard to hear with all that annoying din that life makes.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Pangs II ~ The Invisible Child

I dint find her anywhere today. Searched all those places i expected to find her. :( Ultimately, brought back the fruits i had packed for the little one. I was really looking forward to sitting down with her and maybe ask her name. Next time, maybe. I'm surely not going to give up...

Friday, September 12, 2014

Pangs I ~ The Smile

Hi Baby!

What is your name? Yes.. i want to know your name...

Are you hungry? Hmm..?

What's your age? You don't know? Ahh.. No problem.. 

Are you hungry? Tell me! What.. are you shy?

Where do you live? Hmm... Do you have to sit here all day and do this? When do you eat then? What do you eat? Doesn't anyone give you anything to eat?

Where are your mummy-papa? Do you have a bhaiya or a didi? What about a nani or a nana or a dadi or a dada?

Do you get any money like this? What do you do with it? Do you give it away to someone else? Do they, then give you something to eat?

Are you sleepy? Where do you sleep when you are tired? Do you hug someone to sleep?

Don't you feel frightened at the sight of so many strangers? Don't you cry when they scold you or slap you or shoo you away? You are so brave! 

Do you have toys? Do you want some?

If there is one thing you would want me to give you, what would that be?

Here, take some bananas... You look hungry.

You know, back home, i have a daughter who is your age. You remind me of her...

Can i find you here at all times? Will you be here on the third day from today? I'll come with food for you and your siblings. Will you meet me here? Pakka? Okay! 

Bye bye!

I kissed her on her cheek and walked away. She stared at me, and so did the passengers at the ticket counter, trying to decide whether i was crazy or just making fun of her. I am neither. I will go back to that ticket station on Monday and give her food. Otherwise i would never be able to forgive myself for being selfish. Otherwise i would never be able to justify my being a human.




Monday, September 1, 2014

The Estimable Author

Pic Courtsey: canvassnap.blogspot.com


He ran his index finger over the spines of the myriad books which were kept on the rack and picked up one. He then flipped through its pages by habit, fingers avoiding a paper cut, coming to the back cover to read more about it. The stories were promising, fresh in content and perspective. It would not drain him out, he knew. This was it. The author, however was new to him. He opened the back cover to read the leaf that folded inwards. It carried a picture of the author. She was young, much about his age, splashing a toothy smile, looking through a window of a building which was perhaps her home, sitting with her knees towards her chest, her hands folded over them. In her yellow top she looked simple, yet someone who had stories to tell. The bespectacled lady sat amidst a range of little clay pots, each one with a sapling, a few with little button roses hanging out. He smiled. Her hair, slightly thin in front and subtly revealing her scalp, was tied into a bun, lacking a last possible trace of vanity. What stories did she want to tell? Maybe she had a dysfuctional family like many authors do, who ultimately seek solace through venting on blogs and finally writing a book, as is the trend nowadays. Perhaps she had some deep rooted medical troubles that she wanted to forget by giving into writing. Or is it nothing? Maybe she wrote because it made her feel happy. And that is how she looked in the picture.
He closed the book, looked around and walked towards the cash counter. Finally, he had bought himself a copy of her bestseller.